Friday 31 December 2010

Closure?

So I just had a long talk on the phone with James cos I still have issues over the whole getting over the ex-boyfriend. It's just hard. And I know it wasn't the best idea in the world but we met up on Tuesday. It was nice and would've been a nice day out if it hadn't been for the fact he's my ex and I'm trying to get over him. He treats me more like a girlfriend when we're not together which is just insane.
But the more James and I talked the more indignant I realised I was about the whole situation, and we discovered my arrogant side. 'I'm awesome! I shouldn't be moping like this!' etc. etc.

It did make me consider that are any of us humans genuinely confident? Because I know that although a small part of me does actually believe in those thoughts, the rest of me is resonating it as a method of coping and hiding my insecurities. The more arrogant someone is, the more it tends to infuriate other people and they're less likely to investigate whether the person in question is just putting it on.
Although, the more I think about it, the more my theory is ripped to pieces. There are arrogant people in the world. Assholes.

The conversation also made me realise how many relationships fail just because we take the other for granted. I personally don't think I did this, maybe towards the end of our relationship when I was going through a lot but the thought of him made me happy, and so I always made the effort. Or at least it felt like I did, a lot more than him anyway.
I feel like he takes me for granted now sometimes. Wanting to continue talking the way we did, everyday even about the little things. But as soon as something with his friends are going on, the talking ceases. I always felt like I was competing with his friends. I still do. I don't even like to see his facebook photos of when he's out with his friends. Call me a jealous bitch or whatever it is but it's true. I half expect to see a photo of him getting off with someone. To be fair, I don't think it's unreasonable considering his past actions.
But just, effectively cheating on me, I still take him back and then he dumps me because he's not 'ready for this'? Ready for what exactly? It just gets me so mad! When I had practically everyone tell me I could do so much better.
It's not like I was asking for anything out of the ordinary - just a relationship that's all. I didn't have a plan for our future or our wedding or our kids. I don't even KNOW if I want to get married. I don't know where he thinks we were going, I'm starting to suspect it wasn't what I was thinking of.

A guy who's too uncomfortable to say 'I love you' and still doesn't want to let you go? I don't need that thanks.

Maybe this is me starting to get closure?
I fucking hope so.

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