Closure?

So I just had a long talk on the phone with James cos I still have issues over the whole getting over the ex-boyfriend. It's just hard. And I know it wasn't the best idea in the world but we met up on Tuesday. It was nice and would've been a nice day out if it hadn't been for the fact he's my ex and I'm trying to get over him. He treats me more like a girlfriend when we're not together which is just insane.
But the more James and I talked the more indignant I realised I was about the whole situation, and we discovered my arrogant side. 'I'm awesome! I shouldn't be moping like this!' etc. etc.

It did make me consider that are any of us humans genuinely confident? Because I know that although a small part of me does actually believe in those thoughts, the rest of me is resonating it as a method of coping and hiding my insecurities. The more arrogant someone is, the more it tends to infuriate other people and they're less likely to investigate whether the person in question is just putting it on.
Although, the more I think about it, the more my theory is ripped to pieces. There are arrogant people in the world. Assholes.

The conversation also made me realise how many relationships fail just because we take the other for granted. I personally don't think I did this, maybe towards the end of our relationship when I was going through a lot but the thought of him made me happy, and so I always made the effort. Or at least it felt like I did, a lot more than him anyway.
I feel like he takes me for granted now sometimes. Wanting to continue talking the way we did, everyday even about the little things. But as soon as something with his friends are going on, the talking ceases. I always felt like I was competing with his friends. I still do. I don't even like to see his facebook photos of when he's out with his friends. Call me a jealous bitch or whatever it is but it's true. I half expect to see a photo of him getting off with someone. To be fair, I don't think it's unreasonable considering his past actions.
But just, effectively cheating on me, I still take him back and then he dumps me because he's not 'ready for this'? Ready for what exactly? It just gets me so mad! When I had practically everyone tell me I could do so much better.
It's not like I was asking for anything out of the ordinary - just a relationship that's all. I didn't have a plan for our future or our wedding or our kids. I don't even KNOW if I want to get married. I don't know where he thinks we were going, I'm starting to suspect it wasn't what I was thinking of.

A guy who's too uncomfortable to say 'I love you' and still doesn't want to let you go? I don't need that thanks.

Maybe this is me starting to get closure?
I fucking hope so.

Snippet #2

I want to put more pictures up. But I haven't had a chance to... I can't wait to go back to Leeds. It feels like my life is kind of on pause at the moment...

Come a week and a half, go past quickly.

Oh, and Jason Mraz got engaged the other day. *cries*

Life In The Slow Lane

There's too much space to think here. It's probably why I spent most of my teenage years thinking. I essentially live in the middle of no-where. I can't wait to get back to Leeds.

Argh, I have a rash on my face. I have quite, I wouldn't say sensitive as such, more temperamental skin on my face. It doesn't like thick substances like paintballing paint being a prime example. Or the chemicals used in paintballing. But any moisturisers that are thick-ish will cause me to become a disgusting bobbly skinned thing who feels not human in the slightest. This one isn't actually the worst I've had, you can't really see it as such. But I feel it pretty badly. Eugh. I hope it clears up before I go Tashy's. I doubt I'll be up for any New Year's festivities with my skin feeling that it's been taken over by some alien life-form. 

Had an awesome skype conversation with my friend James last night. Sugar high + attention + skype call = c-c-crazy Louisa. I'm personally quite glad they don't have a record video function on there. The record snapshot function is bad enough. But I laughed lots. Which was good fun. Hadn't been that hyper in a long time. I haven't had the chance to be.

I can't wait until my exams are over. I basically have a week off after before lectures start, which sounds A-MAZING. I intend to get very drunk.

I am getting very nervous about it though. Lots of cramming to be done I feel. As soon as I feel a little bit more human and capable of reading a human dialect...

Jumble

Finally caught up with the latest episode of Bones. And it is by far one of the most memorable one. An episode where Brennan becomes emotional and subjective with the case? It was an interesting twist in the plot. But the end was so heart-wrenching, I feel like I've just lost a little bit of hope in life.

For anyone who doesn't watch Bones (spoiler alert). Basically Brennan is a female forensic anthropologist who works with a male FBI agent to solve murders and whatnot. I'm sure it's pretty obvious the male-female dynamic. But she's too logical and distrusting to allow a relationship to happen so when he confessed his feelings she rejected him. And it's taken her til this season to gather up the courage to do the same. Except he now has a beautiful girlfriend (who makes me feel rather small in comparison) who he's in love with. So kids moral of the story is take the risk. Always take the risk.

Sorry just felt the need to write that.

I've had a pleasant two days, thank you for asking. Christmas day was uneventful. Boxing day my family and I went sale shopping and in addition to the lovely coat my mother bought me, I bought some lovely items like a new dress and two pairs of shoes thanks to the encouragement of Tijana and Lee. Thanks guys, no need to remember I'm a uni student who's struggling financially. But ah well, it's only Christmas once a year right? (Must remember to ban myself from spending for the next six months) 

It was really nice to see them actually, Tijana's actually the oldest best friend I've got now that I think about it but we go through long periods that we don't see each other. I think we managed over a year at one point. But we always manage to talk straight off as if that period never happened which I'm very proud of. Because it signifies that the two of you are comfortable enough with each other to let each other have space and yet still retain the things in common that made you friends in the first place. Well, either that or you're both sociopaths who don't particularly care. I'm going to go with the first one though if that's okay.

Things aren't great at the moment. There's a lot of change occurring in the near future and I'm definitely not liking it. But we all make do right? Somehow.

After founding out I failed my exam, a small but powerful idea has been implanted in me that's causing immense hysteria in my inner realms. It's causing me to panic about whether I'll be able to complete my degree at all. For those who don't know, for me when I say fail I don't usually mean below 40%. I mean below 60%, so a 2.2 and below in uni terms. And I know it's irrational to fear not completing my degree, but in my whole 15 years of academic career, I've never doubted my abilities so much as now. Things just don't knock me out of loop like this. I hoped that maybe seeing it in writing will help. Hopefully.

But whilst that's taking effect I'll try and detach myself from my worries. They definitely won't help when I'm writing an essay for my cardio-respiratory physiology and pharmacology exam.

Merry Christmas 2010

Oh btw, Merry Christmas guys.

The Wonderous Thing Called Hope

Sitting here at midnight of what is now Christmas Day watching The Holiday. I know it's cliche and fake and contrived buuuuuut it's making me feel a bit better about the future.

I want a guy like that. As funny as Jack Black, and as perfect as Jude Law.

Jude Law's pretty hot. And the way he acts with the kids is pretty cute. Shame about the cheating thing though.

Maybe 2011 will bring me better luck in that department hey? Someone who gives as much as I give and appreciates what I give him. (Or her. Never say never.) Who knows. All I know, is that I don't know what's ahead. And that's enough to keep hoping.

I wouldn't call this festive cheer, but I do feel much better than I have in a while. A single moment of clarity. As refreshing as a cool drink on a humid day. And it's nice. Much better than nice.

Oh they're eating sushi. I want sushi. If I could only have one single meal for the rest of my life, it would be sushi. Or just the wide range of Japanese. I mean, sashimi, sushi, ramen, udon, tempura... By God, yes yes yes. Although if I only have it as frequently as I do now I'd probably die from starvation.

But yes Kate Winslet, tell that using bastard who doesn't give a toss about you to shove his glorified face up a certain place where the sun don't fucking shine. You can do so much better than a spineless git who's either shrewd and manipulative and knows what he's doing, or is so clueless he doesn't really know what he's doing. I'm not entirely sure which is worse.
'I don't want to lose you.'
That sounds familiar.

Tell him to fuck off. That's right, start freaking out and getting angry at him. Good. He was a sleaze anyway.
That's not really the way I would've phrased it. But nevertheless, good on you.
Oh running in heels are we? Well done. LBDs are always a good way to go.

Hehe, my text message ringtone is currently the sound effect from Super Mario Bros where he grows from touching the mushroom. Love it. The geek in me definitely does.

Awwww, end of the movie? Everyone looks so lovely and happy.

Definitely have to spend New Years in Leeds at some point. London this year, somewhere else next year, somewhere else the next, and so on.

And switch over to Underworld Evolution? Kate Beckinsale? Hell yes.

Hello Hangover, My Old Friend

Slightly hangover from a relatively good night out. Although I'm not really sure what makes a good night anymore. I never seem to enjoy them as much as I used to.
I miss being 18. Being spontaneous and getting up to God knows what.

I wish I asked that cute barman what time his shift finished. He seemed keen as he kept serving me as soon as I got to the busy bar.

Ah well.

Did some sale shopping yesterday. Bad Louisa... Ah well, nothing too extravagant. Cheered me up a bit though.

Oh and does anyone know what the hell these are?

They did make me giggle an immense amount. But seriously... What the hell are they??

Snippet #1

This really hasn't been a good few months so far has it?

Sticks and Stones

It's all over after a simple realisation that what I want isn't what he wanted. He doesn't need what I have to give. He doesn't have what I need. We don't belong. We don't fit. Such a simple realisation sourcing these tears that are stinging as they roll down my face.
I find it so odd that after months of clinging onto the pathetic hope that somehow it'll all work out and we'll be okay, the message finally got through my thick head after a simple text and reply. That was all it took.

He was cruel. In that he never stuck to a decision. He's more experienced in years and relationships and yet he never did what he should've done. Which was...

Screw all that, he's just an ass.

I need to go out and get really rather quite drunk.

Suffering Bouts Of Cabin Fever

I just really need a big hug.

I don't like holidays. Especially Christmas. It used to be alright in secondary school, seeing my friends up until the few days before Christmas and then essentially a two week holiday. Which I miss. I miss everything about being 18. It was definitely my best year yet.
Now, Christmas is all about coming home, being stuck inside for a week with the intent of doing lots of revision (instead doing lots of procrastination which doesn't exactly help with stress or just anything positive), being snowed in so that my plans for the first time since I've come back are ruined as I can't physically get out of my little crappy town. At least by public transport. There's no fucking way I'm going to walk 8 miles in the snow. And I could ask my father who's already so burdened down by stress of his own problems that he felt the need the other day to tell me very explicitly that my problems are no where as stressful as his are. Maybe they're not but he doesn't know the whole story. I certainly don't need that sort of talk from my father. If you're thinking my mother might provide some comfort, don't even waste your action potentials. The first thing she said when she first saw me last Saturday when I got back was 'Hi. We're giving the dog away.'. Fantastic. Nice to see you too Mother.
My family is so wonderful. Really really makes me so happy that I'm here.

I'd like to point out that I get really bad cabin fever. In Leeds, I don't think since the first month of uni, I've ever spent a whole week sleeping in my own bed. Not to say that I engage in promiscuous sexual activity frequently, but I'll be out, about, round a friend's, round my boyfriend's (at the time). I have just spent, every day since last Saturday, inside this house, with my activities ranging from walking the dog, cooking, looking after my ill brother, studying a little and procrastinating a lot. It's felt like a very long day. But hey, at least I'm one week closer to going home right?

I'm jealous of what everyone else has. A nice big family Christmas meal where all your extended family comes over too. That uncle who always gets hideously drunk and starts shouting at everything, the grandfather who snoozes quietly in the corner, the younger cousins who create their own fantasy worlds to ignore the grown-ups, the grown-ups who chatter away to themselves to ignore the children, dad being really embarrassing with his jokes and all that, that cousin who's just a little bit weird and you've never really known how to react to his jokes. When people talk about these things they always talk about it with a tone of as if it's a chore. But I'm jealous and will openly admit it. I don't like missing out on these things.
It's always nice when you go back to Hong Kong and visit your family what with all the attention ('oh how much you've grown!', 'my, you've grown so fast!') and the money to spend whilst you're there and what not. But after a while you just feel like a novelty. And the fun of novelties pass away and when they do, there isn't any solid relationship we can fall back on to proceed any types of interaction.
It's hard to miss weddings and funerals.

Sorry for the slightly depressing post. Christmas tends to get me this way. Especially when I'm snowed in. Fucking snow.

Failure

I'm not one to brag, but I've always been pretty academically gifted. I'm not usually top of the class, but one of those people who near the top of the class. Education-wise, I don't think I've done too badly thus far really. My mother wasn't really happy with my GCSEs and I wasn't really happy with my A-levels. Somewhere inside though I believe I can get that top mark. Whether it be the 4 As at A-level or a 1st at university, there's this burning belief in me that I can do it. But time and time again I have been proved wrong. I'm starting to doubt whether this belief is justified.

The term that's just passed has possibly been the most trying few months that I can remember. In terms of pressure from university, relationships, ex-flatmates, parents, future etc.etc.etc all combined. I think during that time I cried enough amount of fluid to fill up the fish tank in Sea World. Mmmm... Tears... And recently all the marks I've got as feedback for my progess this year hasn't been encouraging. I thought 58 for my lab report (which I spent two and a half weeks on solid) was bad... until today when I found out I actually failed my test from last week.

I've never failed anything before.

Apart from my driving test but that's not something academic. And it's left me in a prolonged state of shock. I'm starting to genuinely be scared for the completion of my degree. True the test was only worth 30% of my module mark, so it's not all over yet. But on the other hand, 30% is still quite damaging and I would've liked to have that safety netting when I walked into my exam in January...

Breathe Louisa.

That fail, will be my first and last. I'll make sure of it.

All I ever wanted

Right, I'm going to attempt to type this blog whilst skyping with my wonderful friend Giada. So this should be interesting.

So far we've chatted for 1:33:39 and counting. That's 1 hour, 33 minutes and 39 seconds for people who can't read the time. That's a long time.

In that time so far, we've established her boyfriend situation (it's all iffy) and my erm, situation.

Basically I've just recently broken up with my boyfriend - well, over a month ago but it seems less and then more. And being the first proper boyfriend I've ever had and the first guy that I've loved, it's really hard to get over him. I have every right to hate him and if someone else was in my shoes, they probably would. But for some reason, I don't. And we still get on ridiculously well.
I've never been great at saying goodbye, at letting go. It doesn't get easier as time goes on. But it's just been so so hard to let go of him and I don't really know why.
Looking back at it. He was all I ever wanted. And other people may not see his qualities like I do, but it doesn't matter. I see them, and I admire them and love them and he was all I ever wanted. But he just never let himself get past himself.
Humans are capable of amazing things. Capabilities with no boundaries, the only thing that limits us is ourselves. Our lack of determination or a way we view ourselves. My ex suffers from the latter and possibly a little bit of the former too. He's not the only person I've ever met who has such a view on themselves. I know plenty. And it doesn't ever change the way I feel about them, it's a mixture of sadness with pity. Pity because they can't see the qualities that make them shine, instead they focus on the qualities that are the core of all their flaws. Sometimes these flaws don't even exist. They just perceive it as so. But yeah...

Anyway, there's also that guy I posted about in my last blog. It's all a bit soon, but it is nice having someone being interested in you. And as time goes on I find more and more that I do quite like him. Although I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. My friend Marika has been going on at me for at least several months now about finding someone better. She tells me that I'm amazing and needs to find someone who is will treat me better. I don't think my ex treated me badly. I just don't think he knew how to treat me. But she's happy now cos I was channelling her earlier. My precise words were 'Yeah, I AM amazing and I deserve to be happy and have someone lovely.' Needless to say she was overjoyed at my text informing of what had just passed. I'm not sure how long I'll stick to that thought, I hope I do. Because at the end of the day, there's probably several parallel universes out there where me and ex would've worked or maybe a later date in time where it would work. But all I know is, there's a reason we broke up twice. And I might not be able to put a finger on what that is but it's there. And for now at least, I should walk away.

What's a Cork-Asian?

Before we start this blog, I'd like to point out the cute little goldfish interactive animation I have at the top. Yes interactive folks. If you hover your mouse over it, the fish will swim towards it and if you click you'll end up feeding them.

So yea, what IS a cork-Asian? Well, it all started as a joke between me and my best friend/sister from another parent Hana. I'm Chinese, but since moving over to England when I was five and half, I've become pretty English. Essentially I'm what you call a banana. Yellow on the outside, white on the inside.

Oh note to anyone who does read my blog. I do have racial tendencies. Nothing particularly offensive but all the same. This serves as my disclaimer, I will not be held responsible for any uproar caused by reading my blog. People who can't take it, get out.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yea, so anyway. I'm quite happy and always have been with the person I am and my heritage yada yada. Actually, typing this has made me realise I don't entirely know how it came to be. So I'll end it with the line 'it was a funny pun with the word Asian and cork and Hana did present me with cork from a wine bottle which I still have upstairs in my drawer'. So yea that's that.

Saying all that thing about my racial tendencies though. I'm not trying to be hypocritical; it's all well and all to have some racial banter between friends but one thing that is on my 'Things I absolutely loathe (stab stab stab)' list is when randoms shout on the streets or out of cars at you or make some wise-crack about your race.
'Thank you passer-by, I never knew in my 20 odd years that I was of Chinese heritage. My quest in life has now been answered and I can finally do what I like to best in peace, which according to you is making chicken chow mein.'
Seriously, go fuck yourself.
It just gets me SO angry! Independence makes you learn things about yourself, and I've learned of late that I'm actually quite an angry person. But this, this really does make my blood boil. Oh look I'm Chinese oh dear, but look you're fat as a pig and dressed like a chav.
*hits head against wall*

Aaaaaaand breathe.

You know what? I would like, in the future, to have a boyfriend with who I can argue with. The sex would be amazing I reckon. But funny that, growing up I was always the goody two shoes because I was so scared of authority and confrontation. I think taking up Jiu Jitsu was probably one of the better decisions I've made. Even if it does take over your life at times, it's taught me to be more confidence - Jitsu is all about the illusion of confidence, and made me feel better about my physical abilities. I've never been the most sporty girl at school but it doesn't stop you being good at Jitsu. Okay okay, I wouldn't boast I'm good at Jitsu but I must be half decent if I'm a green belt now. The people there as well, the friends I've made have definitely been a highlight. From meeting my flatmate Tashy, to my ex, to new friends like Giada. It's been good.
Although this whole paragraph sounds quite final, I have no intention of quitting Jitsu just yet.

Giada come back to England!! I miss you already!

Speaking of boyfriends. It's funny how people can just get under your skin. There's this guy who I thought quite liked me, and you know that little thought you get it in your head when someone likes you, you start having good feelings/getting interested in them? Well how annoying is it, when you start taking an interest that they seem to have none in you whatsoever. Even though they seemed to have been for the past few months. Men...
And they say women are difficult? I'm the most unsubtle and tactless person in the history of mankind. All I want is to be told straight off where I stand. How am I supposed to act if I don't know that piece of vital information?? It's like they expect you to be psychic!

Duvet Caterpillar

Allow me to type a blog whilst I procrastinate.

Despite the blog title, I am not wrapped up in my duvet with my books gathered round me. I merely wish I was. I'm currently downstairs in the dining room with an electric heater on my left and my books and notes sprawled sporadically across the table untouched. Unfortunately it is now 14:14 my laptop kindly informs me and yet I have failed to open a textbook or do anything particularly productive since sitting down at 10:30 this morning. I have downloaded all my lecture slides which although is productive because it means I'm up to date, it does not by any means equate to me KNOWING what is on those lecture slides. Which would be really rather helpful.

This is one of those times that I wish I could eat a book and immediately gain the knowledge it contains. OM NOM NOM NOM.

I know there's no point dwelling on the thought but I still can't get over the fact I've booked myself to stay down here for 4 weeks. 25 days to go... I even swore to myself that I'd definitely go back to Leeds for New Years Eve this year. Nope. Apparently I'm not. Still, going to London to spend it with Tashy is definitely much better than a consolation plan.

I miss James. It feels like since my laptop crashed that our communication has just dropped and he's just dropped off the radar. If anyone spots a bald guy in his mid 20s with a brummie accent perving on oriental girls please inform me of his whereabouts. He's a surprise. I've known him for over 5 years now. Blimey, it's been that long? But he's always been a good friend and only recently have we really got on like a house on fire - I guess it helps when they're there for you when you're going through a really tough time. I just enjoyed when we started a list of things that was going wrong for me. It just felt so surreal. But I'm not sure I really did thank him for all the support he gave me and the time he took to listen to me rant on the phone. Thanks love. It means a huge amount to me. And I do know you get down, and I'm sorry that you're having weird mood swings of late, but I'm here to listen if you ever need an ear.

How the South is 4 degrees colder than the North I will never be able to comprehend. I'm SO cold.
I'm just here looking out into the bleak looking garden, listening and singing along to The Script's new album. As pompous as their attitude is, their lyrics are actually pretty clever/meaningful/brilliant. Check out Science and Faith if you ever have the time to - I've listened to it like fifteen times on repeat now and belting it out loud to the dismay of my dog.

Reintroduction

Hey all, I'm back! I'm no stranger to the blogging world (no expert either) as I had a blog at achinasoul.blog.com which I really rather enjoyed writing. Up until the point where there was some form of stupid malware that adhered itself to my laptop and rendered it useless for just over a week. And as someone who basically spends their life on the computer (sad I know), this was pretty much hell for me. What with revision needed for a test in my last week of semester and the laptop needed to look at my lecture slides and notes - I nearly threw myself under the next speeding car. Yes folks, I am just too darn lazy to brave 5-10 minutes in the cold to get to the uni clusters. There's no guarantee they'd be free anyway.

So since my computer died, quite a lot has happened or feels that way at least. For one, I'm currently typing this from the bedroom where I grew up back down South in the middle of no-where known as East Sussex. And two... well, my laptop's fixed. That's pretty monumental in my life. Even better is, I - of all people - fixed it. Somehow miraculously. Don't ask me how. Something I did when I was twiddling with the OS reinstallation (for the third time) must've worked. Onward with revision!

Currently I am questioning my state of sanity when I booked my train tickets. I'm now not due to go back to Leeds until the 7th January. Absolutely barmy... Spend 4 weeks at home?? I have half a mind to change it and go back earlier... My romantic side of life is getting interesting at the moment. Or difficult depending on what way you look at it. I won't post it on here though as I learnt that people DO read your blog and DO find out what their birthday presents are if you post it on a public domain with a picture. Luckily they liked the present.

I am NOT looking forward to the amount of revision I am currently setting myself in my head for this month. After this term it feels like whatever I make will make very little difference in helping me succeed, after two failed interviews and a lab report I spent two and a half weeks on only earning 58 marks which is a high 2:2. Definitely not ANYWHERE near what I'm aiming for. Which is really frustrating because I know I'm capable of so much better than that. Either that or I'm deluded. Which I hope not.

I think it's safe to say my mood at the moment is restless and frustrated.