All I ever wanted

Right, I'm going to attempt to type this blog whilst skyping with my wonderful friend Giada. So this should be interesting.

So far we've chatted for 1:33:39 and counting. That's 1 hour, 33 minutes and 39 seconds for people who can't read the time. That's a long time.

In that time so far, we've established her boyfriend situation (it's all iffy) and my erm, situation.

Basically I've just recently broken up with my boyfriend - well, over a month ago but it seems less and then more. And being the first proper boyfriend I've ever had and the first guy that I've loved, it's really hard to get over him. I have every right to hate him and if someone else was in my shoes, they probably would. But for some reason, I don't. And we still get on ridiculously well.
I've never been great at saying goodbye, at letting go. It doesn't get easier as time goes on. But it's just been so so hard to let go of him and I don't really know why.
Looking back at it. He was all I ever wanted. And other people may not see his qualities like I do, but it doesn't matter. I see them, and I admire them and love them and he was all I ever wanted. But he just never let himself get past himself.
Humans are capable of amazing things. Capabilities with no boundaries, the only thing that limits us is ourselves. Our lack of determination or a way we view ourselves. My ex suffers from the latter and possibly a little bit of the former too. He's not the only person I've ever met who has such a view on themselves. I know plenty. And it doesn't ever change the way I feel about them, it's a mixture of sadness with pity. Pity because they can't see the qualities that make them shine, instead they focus on the qualities that are the core of all their flaws. Sometimes these flaws don't even exist. They just perceive it as so. But yeah...

Anyway, there's also that guy I posted about in my last blog. It's all a bit soon, but it is nice having someone being interested in you. And as time goes on I find more and more that I do quite like him. Although I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. My friend Marika has been going on at me for at least several months now about finding someone better. She tells me that I'm amazing and needs to find someone who is will treat me better. I don't think my ex treated me badly. I just don't think he knew how to treat me. But she's happy now cos I was channelling her earlier. My precise words were 'Yeah, I AM amazing and I deserve to be happy and have someone lovely.' Needless to say she was overjoyed at my text informing of what had just passed. I'm not sure how long I'll stick to that thought, I hope I do. Because at the end of the day, there's probably several parallel universes out there where me and ex would've worked or maybe a later date in time where it would work. But all I know is, there's a reason we broke up twice. And I might not be able to put a finger on what that is but it's there. And for now at least, I should walk away.